Facing My Fears | Solo Travel, Lonliness & Settling Down

Hello Blog & YouTube Friends!

It’s been a while since I posted here!

If you haven’t watched the video here is a link to it. I hope you are all keeping well during this tough time for the nation.

It’s been almost 3 years since I went on a ‘proper’ holiday (here’s a link to the vlog) despite me being a flight attendant during this period. I did go on a mini break to Copenhagen in March last year, however I had a friend to meet on the other side which softened the blow – which was that I would ultimately be alone. I’ve never had a problem with solo travel, but for some reason, a small fear started to grow in me and I didn’t actively fight it. I was supposed to go to Budapest and Lisbon around the same time but had to cancel both trips because I felt a bit insecure in Berlin – and because of the incident that I briefly touched on in my ‘black in Germany video part 2’. If it sounds like all I’ve said about Germany and Berlin is bad so far, don’t worry I have some good things to say too! That post is coming.

“the way I felt in Berlin…”

I really didn’t go into depth about why I felt the way I felt in Berlin, but there were a few contributing factors. One being when I was due to move into a new apartment the landlord and his girlfriend refused to give me the keys because they didn’t believe I had paid the deposit despite me signing a contract and sending them a payment receipt from my online bank account. As Ryanair is an Irish company, they pay all their employees in Irish currency (Euros) regardless of what country crew are based in. So I had to set up an Irish bank account which meant I could get paid and wouldn’t incur any additional transaction fees for my day to day expenses in Germany, or in any other country with the Euro as their currency. This meant that when making payments between the landlord’s German bank and my Irish Bank account payments would be fast but not immediate.

“I found out that in Germany it’s actually pretty common“

This landlord would have much rather I paid them in cash, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that at all, so I opted to go with the online route. Long story short, I ended up not moving in to that place, but thankfully, once the deposit reached the landlords bank account, it was immediately returned to me. After the whole ordeal, I found out that in Germany it’s actually pretty common to pay your Kaution (deposit) in cash, however by then it was far too late. I was thrown off. If I had known this, I wouldn’t have been resistant to paying the deposit in cash. I really don’t want to get into what happened after that (perhaps later I will), but one thing I regret, is not leaving at that point, because from thereon things went downhill. I was determined to stay and make my life in Germany work but soon enough (3 months later) I realised Berlin just wasn’t for me and boarded my flight back home to England.

“I internalised everything”

Just before the time I moved to Iceland (before Germany), I really needed someone to speak to, but I felt I didn’t have anyone, so I internalised everything and those thoughts and feelings manifested externally in fear. I didn’t really want to take risks – apart from moving to Iceland of course.

“It’s important for us as humans to feel like we are acknowledged and valued”

I say this to say: If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, reach out to someone you trust and speak out. Sometimes family and friends around us feel distant, or when you actually do talk to them, may try to give advice when all you need is someone to HEAR YOU. If you feel you do not know anyone who would care, then seek out the listening ears of a professional. It’s important for us as humans to feel like we are acknowledged and valued. Don’t internalise everything. 

“I literally thought it was impossible and I didn’t want to get ‘stuck’ alone”

One of the reasons I didn’t mention in my ‘why I left Iceland’ video was that I was scared of being alone and lonely – I felt like because of my faith/religion, it was going to be impossible for me to meet someone – and especially because I had no history of being in love or experiencing love I didn’t have a hope to cling on to. I thought at least if I’d had an ’solid’ relationship before, then I would know that it IS actually possible for ‘someone like myself’ to have a relationship. I literally thought it was impossible and I didn’t want to get ‘stuck’ alone in a foreign country. Now I realise, my thoughts were valid, BUT, God can surprise you! AND, I do believe in miracles after all.

“I literally thought it was impossible and I didn’t want to get ‘stuck’ alone”

I romanticised the idea of HOME so much and associated being settled, with being married with kids and having a stable job. Basically, having a very good reason to stay in one place. So, when I realised I didn’t have any of those things I decided to ‘keep it moving’. I up and left Iceland way to easily, but, knowing very well I would be back. In my head I was just taking a break. I needed to FEEL better, even if things were not particularly getting better.  I thought the experience of a new job would give me that. I was running away, instead of going through that season of life and emotions. After the move the Germany all I wanted was to be somewhere familiar and that involved not exploring new destinations, frequent visits home (London) and eventually moving back to London (one of the places that felt like home).

“a sense of home is important for all regardless of you marital status.”

Now I realise it IS possible to be ‘settled’ and feel at home as a single person. A cooler way to define could be to say ‘[*insert place*] is my BASE’. I think a sense of home is important for all, regardless of marital status.

I’ve learnt so much about myself and the way faith, jobs and relationships work. I’ve learnt not to get my identity from a job. I’ve learnt that starting out in a new country requires patience. I have learnt not to get side tracked by the ‘advice’ of those who are clearly in a better position because they are natives or simply better connected. I have learnt that building relationships take time. I have learnt to ask hard questions. I have learnt to communicate to dissipate fear. I am learning to confront the people who hurt me. 

“I will not make that mistake again.”

I have always respected everyone despite what job they do, but for some reason I failed to respect myself and give myself the grace and time to gradually evolve. I will not make that mistake again. This is so important! I often felt like people were looking down at my jobs though I genuinely enjoyed them and they actually allowed me to save, have stability and pursue my hobbies and profitable interests on the side.  

I want to reignite that passion for solo travel and self discovery I have always had. To love your own company is to have strong sense of who you really are and embrace it. You can enjoy the company of others too, but always know you’re okay alone and the right people will enter your life at the right time. And, that love will find you at the right time!

Until the next post!

Tabitha x

Here is a link to the video – where I touch on a few other topics that ran through my mind while recording.